The Black Barbie Chronicles: Black Barbie Learns to Eat Out



Did I ever tell you guys about the time I ate out? On my own with no Korean in tow? It started off bad, but it ened up great. Check out this story.

F. M. Laster

“The best revenge is massive success.” – Frank Sinatra


I scored! Well, some free kimbap, which is the Korean version of sushi. You don’t understand this feat required nothing less of me being a fucking moron. I did this the same way I managed to score with free drinks and me, just being an idiot. People seem to think this an enduring quality about me. Either that or they believe me to be on the autism spectrum or straight up retarded. Who cares? I get free shit, either way, they look at it.

Now, this is not my first time eating out since I arrived in Busan. Come on, I’m from Texas, and we LOVE to eat. I have been out and about here in Busan checking out the usual delights of the sea; raw fish, octopus, and some other random shit some fisherman fished out the sea that day. Naturally, I was with Moon Yeoung and tried not to hurt his feelings, but it’s hard to eat something when it’s staring right at you. Of course, back in Texas Land, all that shit would be covered in cornmeal and deep-fried. Like trying out a new sex position, not bad, but chances of me doing it again are nil.

I did manage to go out again with a sexy Korean acquaintance who I was trying to chat up and see what I could see. He took me to this incredible fire chicken place and then his place. Let’s just say the chicken place left a better satisfying memory worthy of a repeat performance.

Another time I went out was again with Moon Yeong and his “friend.” I say friend because I think the only reason I was with them was to throw off suspicion from what the young man really meant to him. Anyway, this place had an incredible cheesy-rice-rice cake- spicy chicken dish. This shit was great, filling, and cheap, much like me. I must remember the actual name of the dish so I can get it by myself again.

With that being said, those were the only times I’ve eaten out. Most of the time, I pick up some fast food or cook something or the other in my little apartment. However, I have yet had the balls to go out on my own and order anything. I’m too chicken shit. For some reason, I could hop on a plane and travel to the other side of the world, no problem. Walking into a Korean restaurant by myself to order a meal, fucking problem.

After being a pussy for a little over a month, I found my balls and decided one Sunday night to find a place in my hood to get something to eat. The selection on my block was a little limited since I didn’t care for seafood. Well, that knocked out 75% of my choices. I didn’t feel like being shitfaced at a bar alone; I could do that at home. After walking around like some shifty homeless person, I decided to try a place a couple of blocks from my home.

Just because I found the place, getting inside was a lot tougher! After looking like I’m casing the joint, I went in. Three women sitting by the door told me hello in Korean, and I smiled and took a booth near the window. One of the women brought me a menu and a bowl of warm nuts. I love nits. It looks like these ladies had my dream job, sitting around boozing until someone walks in. Where do I sign up for this gig?

Another lady then came up to me and wanted my order. I knew what I wanted, but had no clue how to communicate this to her. She wanted to know if I wanted soju or beer. For those not in the know, soju is a very cheap alcoholic beverage. It’s hard to describe, but it tastes like ass and will get you fucked up quicker that Everclear and Moonshine.

Again, I was not here for booze, but food. Thankfully my middle school drama skills kicked in. I rubbed my stomach and ate off an imaginary plate with a big ass smile on my face. Now, the good news, baby girl got the message since she went to the same school I did. However, she puts both her arms to make an X meaning no food at this place. Of all the joints, my dumb ass walks into the only one not serving food. Fuck my luck.

I thanked her for the nuts and began to leave the place. The woman shows me the way out, and I’m smiling like an ass. However, she surprises me. She is following me down the street and pointing out how she’s going to show me where I can get some food. Bless her.

We then stop at a place, not a few feet from her bar. She tells me, kimbap? Kimbap good. I nod my head and smile and tell that kimbap would be good. We walk in, and she tells me to take a seat. She then goes up to the counter and places the order. She then gestures me to wait that the food would be ready soon.

Get this shit; she then proceeds to tell me no money is needed since paid for it! Now let’s recap, I staked out this bar. I walked into this woman’s bar like a jackass wanting dinner. They don’t serve dinner. She then takes me a place to get dinner, and pays for it! WTH! This is my reward for being a complete jackass. I think I’m going to like this country.

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